Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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