The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it