nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
