I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
