i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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