Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
