I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I lost the right to judge tonight
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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