my phone needs a breathalizer
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just google imaged poop.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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