we're chasing vodka with high fives
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
