I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
