happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
