i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
