I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
