i wish there were pregnant emoticons
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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