You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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