So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
