I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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