If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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