there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
