We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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