My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
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If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
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Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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