i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
