Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
