Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I lost the right to judge tonight
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
