I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
