God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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