also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
