Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
