You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
