she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
