9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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