I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
