Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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