Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
