My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
