I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
