i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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