it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
