I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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