We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
