How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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