apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
