she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
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At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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