I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
