We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I think people are normalizing furries
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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