I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
