I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
