I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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