She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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