literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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