She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
