i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
