Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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