You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
