I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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