i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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