The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
