As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
