My Higher Power is John Stamos
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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