You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
