Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
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I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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