I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
