I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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