Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
