i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
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Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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